Who gets screwed the most when a young father dies?  His wife?  His kids?  His own parents?  His own siblings?  His own friends?  His beloved Jack Russell Terrier?

I have logged so many running miles contemplating this question.  I don’t know why but it was a question I could not stop noodling.  Five years after my husband died leaving me with two little boys, ages six and two, I think I have the answer.

First, let me start by saying, we all got screwed.  Everyone who loved my husband got screwed.  He was a great man, not perfect, but great, and anyone who counted him as a friend or family member was damn lucky.  The day my husband walked through Heaven’s pearly gates, people lost a husband, a Daddy, a son, a brother, a best friend, a Reading Parent, and a guy you barely knew but who would change your flat tire in the school parking lot.  Even Ralphie, our little dog got screwed.  He walked around the house for months looking for Gordie and then one day just gave up.

I truly believe that out of all of us left behind here on Earth, my sons got the most screwed.  I can only imagine what it’s like to be six years old and to have your stay-at-home Dad, your hero, your best friend die unexpectedly while you are at school.  I can only imagine what it’s like for a two year old boy to not understand what’s going on but to walk around the house saying “Daddy?” as he peeked around corners.  I can only imagine the pain my now seven year old feels when he tells me “my greatest wish is to know what it feels like to have a Dad”.  I can only imagine the pain my now twelve year old son feels when he remembers what life was like when his Dad was here to play catch with him.  I can only imagine the pain both of my sons feel when they are the only ones without a Dad at parties or their sports events.  I can only imagine the pain my sons feel when someone asks “why is your Mom the only one that ever comes to your games?” and they have to tell them that their Dad died.  I can only imagine the pain my sons feel when I tell them stories about their Dad, wishing they could hear the stories from their Dad himself.  I can only imagine what it’s like to be a young boy and yearn for your Dad.

I do not pretend to know my sons’ pain.  I see it in their eyes.  I feel it in their tears.  And while it causes me tremendous pain myself, I am not clueless enough to say that I know their pain.  I do not.  I had a Dad growing up.  I still have my Dad.  I do not walk in their shoes, just as women who have not lost their husband do not walk in mine.  But I know one thing for sure, my sons got the most screwed out of the people Gordie left behind.  I truly believe that losing your Mom or Dad when you are a child, has to be the most devastating loss…ever.  For a young boy, to lose their Father is probably even worse than losing their Mother.

Yes, without a doubt, out of the people my husband left behind, my sons got the most screwed.

But they ultimately were not the most screwed from Gordie’s death.

After hundreds of miles running and pontificating over this question, I now know that the person who was absolutely the most screwed by Gordie’s death was Gordie.

Gordie missed Wyatt’s first day of Kindergarten.  Gordie never got to see Nathan pitch.  Gordie did not live long enough to see Wyatt’s red curls straighten.  Gordie did not see Nathan come in 3rd place in the Geography Bee.  Gordie did not live to see Nathan kill it in lead roles in two school plays.  Gordie did not live to see Wyatt make a competitive soccer team with no fancy footwork but with scrappy aggressiveness that is all Gordie.  Gordie does not get to see the boys blow out candles on their birthdays every year.  Gordie does not get to hear the precious sound of Wyatt’s voice while he reads out loud.  Gordie did not get to introduce the boys to the beach in Lake Tahoe where he caught crawdads when he was their age.  Gordie did not get to take Wyatt on a weekend man-cation like he did with Nathan.  Gordie did not see Nathan’s baseball team win the championship this spring. Gordie never got to see Wyatt snow ski…a sport which Gordie loved.  Gordie does not get to hear all the great things that teachers say about his boys.  Gordie will not see his boys graduate from high-school.  He will not see them graduate from college.  He will not see them get married.  Gordie does not get hugs from the boys, wet kisses from Wyatt, and does not get to hear them whisper “I love you Daddy” into his ear.

Gordie got the most screwed.

Gordie thrived on being a Dad.  It was the job that he was born to do.  Gordie had a wild side to him but being a Dad quieted that wild side.  With the downturn of the economy in 2008, the commercial construction industry was hit hard and Gordie was laid off.  Gordie loved his career and loved building stadiums and buildings.  He was very sad when there weren’t any buildings or stadiums to build starting in 2008.  He became a stay at home Dad not by choice, but I think it soon became his favorite job and I’m not sure he ever would have gone back to work full time.  In fact, I am nearly certain, he wouldn’t have.  Gordie changed how he redefined success in his life…from a great career to being a great Dad.  He was 100% dedicated to being the greatest Dad he could be.  And Nathan and Wyatt adored him.

So, although I believe my boys got really, really screwed when their Dad died, they are not the most screwed.  Gordie is.  He got everything that mattered to him, everything he was working toward, taken away from him.  I am sure that Heaven is a beautiful place but I knew Gordie better than anyone.  He wants to be here, playing catch with the boys, helping them with their homework, taking them to donuts on Sunday mornings, coaching their teams, teaching them to snow ski and waterski.  He wants to be here for all the milestones in their lives.  But he can’t.  And as much as my heart breaks for my sons, my heart breaks more for Gordie.