In the Catholic religion children make their first reconciliation (confession) and first communion in the 2nd grade. Nathan was now in the 2nd grade. The reconciliation preparation meeting for parents was in October, seven months after we had lost Gordie. I went to that meeting by myself and once again sat in a room mostly filled with couples. I felt so uncomfortable sitting by myself among a sea of parents. I hated it. I could not help but wonder if people wondered why I was alone. On top of that, I had not been to church since the mid August Mass said in Gordie’s name. I still was furious with God and doubting his existence. In the preparation meeting, the Priest told us that part of our parental duty was to set an example for our children by going to confession.
Really? I thought, I’m supposed to go to Confession? Is God going to confess to me why he took my husband and the father of my young children?
There was no way in hell I was going to confession. I was not even going to church and the jury was still out on whether or not I even believed anymore.
As we left the preparation meeting, parents were given a packet that included a “Love Bag”. The Faith Formation administrators explained to us that family members and other loved ones should put cards and notes for the child into the bag and that the bag should be presented after the ceremony which was in about a month. The following day I emailed some of our family members and friends asking them to write Nathan a card. And then, I completely forgot about the Love Bag.
Over the weeks leading up to the reconciliation ceremony, I talked to Nathan a few times about what reconciliation means, why Catholics do it, and what he might confess. Despite my own faith issues, I wanted to make sure it was a positive experience for Nathan and that he was prepared.
The night before the ceremony Suzi texted me and said that her family had some stuff ready for Nathan’s Love Bag. I was driving to my weekly evening tennis lesson when I got the text.
CRAP.
I had totally forgotten about the Love Bag. The ceremony was in less than 24 hours, I had meetings from 6:30am-4pm the next day and Nathan had nothing for his Love Bag. I started calling family members from my car. Could they write notes and put them on my parents’ porch the next day? After my tennis lesson I texted some of our close friends asking them to do the same. I texted Kansas (our Nanny) and asked her to make some cards from Wyatt and from her the next day.
I went to bed that night feeling like a deadbeat Mom. How could have I forgotten? A little voice inside my head said Give yourself a break. You are a widow with two young kids. You are grieving. You work full time and you are in the process of moving into your new house. But I still felt like a total shit.
The next morning, before the sun rose, I went for a quick run before my marathon day of meetings. I felt like my feet were running to the tempo of you.are.a.bad.mom…you.are.a.bad.mom…you.are.a.bad.mom.
On my way home from work that evening, I quickly stopped at the store and found a card that would be from just me. I also grabbed two packs of football player cards. When I arrived home there was a pile of stuff on my bed that Kansas had accumulated from the front porch. There were tons of cards and a couple of small presents. I started putting them into Nathan’s Love Bag. It was filled. I closed my eyes. Once again my family and friends had saved the day.
Nathan and I went to his ceremony. He and I walked together into the church and took a seat among all the other families. I scouted the church for other single parent families but all I could see were children with two parents. I carefully checked Nathan’s face for any sign of sadness that he was the only one there with just a Mom. I did not see anything on his face but Nathan had developed quite a poker face in the past eight months since his Dad died. I knew how much I wished Gordie was here with us so I know Nathan felt it too.
I tried to push my focus on the ceremony. Nathan looked so grown up in his nice shirt, pants, and shoes. I watched him as it was his turn to go talk to the Priest who was sitting on the Alter. I wondered if he was nervous. The Priest was older and it had to be a little daunting walking up onto the Alter to confess what he had done wrong.
I laughed a little in my head as I thought Nathan is my good son, he’s a really good boy most of the time, what could he possibly have to confess? Wyatt on the other hand is my adorable devil. In five years he might be up there for an hour.
I sneaked up to the Alter and took a picture of Nathan talking to the Priest. I could only see his back so I could not tell if he was scared. After a few minutes, he walked back to me.
“How did it go Bud?” I asked.
“Fine” Nathan replied.
“OK, do you want to visit the little stations they have set up?”
“Yes” Nathan said.
“OK but first let me give this to you. It’s called a Love Bag. A lot of our family members and our friends wrote you notes congratulating you on making your first reconciliation”. I explained.
“Really?” he asked with those wide brown eyes.
“Yep. You can read them when we get home”, I replied.
We went to the station where we posted his picture on the collage that would be displayed in the church, and to the stations where we were given prayer cards and a certificate.
After we left I asked, “Nathan, do you want to go get some take out for dinner?”
“Could we eat at the restaurant?” he asked.
“No, I’m sorry but we need to get back to Wyatt” I replied.
“OK” he said. I could tell he was disappointed.
We went to Lotsa Pasta, an old dive that my kids loved. As I was looking at the menu, I thought to myself Wyatt is fine. Take advantage of this time alone with Nathan. Make this a special night for him.
“Hey Nath, do you want to eat here?” I asked.
“Yes!” he said with excitement in his eyes.
We ordered our meal. The owner asked Nathan what his name was.
“Nathan” Nathan replied.
“Really? That’s my son’s name. But he goes by Nate. Does anyone call you Nate?” the owner asked.
“No” Nathan said.
“Well, I think my son started going by Nate when he got into high school. You might too”, he said.
We sat down and waited for our dinner. Nathan had brought his Love Bag into the restaurant.
“Can I start reading the notes?” he asked.
“Sure” I said.
Nathan started going through all the notes. His eyes lit up each time he read a note and told me who it was from. His cousins Jake and Ryan. His friends Joey, Ryan, Julia, Megan, Michael, and Jenna. All of his Grandparents. His Aunt Liz and Uncle Pat. His God-Family. Kansas. Me.
Suzi and Chris and their kids had even given him a little St Christopher medal with a baseball player etched on the back. Nathan loved it.
When he got to Wyatt’s card, he opened it and started to laugh.
“Wyatt!! How did he get me a card?” he asked.
“Kansas took him to the store” I laughed.
“Look, he colored it” he said as he showed me the card.
Nathan’s face was positively glowing while we were in that restaurant and he was going through his Love Bag. I have no doubt he wished his Dad was there with us but wow did that Love Bag keep the sadness at bay.
“Wyatt’s card is my favorite” Nathan said once he finished going through his bag.
“Really? That’s sweet Nathan” I responded.
As we were leaving the restaurant, the owner called out “See ya Nate!”.
Once outside Nathan turned to me and said,“He’s pretty nice.”
“Yes, even though he called you Nate.” I laughed.
Nathan looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, “Mom, there are just some people out there that are really nice”.
I looked directly into his big brown eyes and said, “Yes Nathan, there sure are.”
That night, as I sat on my bed looking out the window at the moon, I thought about Nathan’s comment. He was so right. There are just some people out there who are really nice. And they had just made a special night for my grieving son, special.