Six Years Later…a Widow’s New Perspective

A common thing you will hear from Widows and Widowers is that they now have a completely different outlook and approach to life.  This statement could not be more accurate.  I call it the Widow’s New Perspective.   I am a better person with this new perspective.  I just wish I did not have to pay such a big price to attain this wisdom.  Tomorrow, March 2, 2018, is the sixth anniversary of my husband’s passing.  I cannot believe he has been gone for six years.  I cannot believe I have not seen my husband in 2,190 days.  I cannot believe I have not heard my husband laugh in 2,190 days.  I cannot believe I have raised our sons by myself for 2,190 days.

One of the main reasons I write about my life and experience is to help others.  I firmly believe that my husband would want me to do this.  So, as I am about to start my 7^th year as a Widow, I will attempt to pass to you the perspective, outlook, and approach to life that I have gained in the last six years.   My hope is that it will make you stop, think, and perhaps change without having to pay the price that I did.

1. Be the Friend You Want to Have

I have written quite a bit about my amazing friends, the people who propped me up for years after my husband died in 2012.  These people continue to prop me up when I need it…which is still quite often.  I am not sure what I did to deserve these incredible friends because the truth is they are much better friends to me than I am to them.  I knew this before my husband died and I know it even more now.  However, for the past six years, I have tried to be a better friend and I continue to try.  I try to be like the friends I am so lucky to have.  I am not even close to succeeding in this area but I am trying.  My advice is to be the type of friend you want to have in your life.  Be there when your friends need you.  Help them when they don’t even ask for help.  Drop everything when your friend is in trouble.  Be a true friend.  Don’t talk about them, except favorably, to other people.  Keep their secrets.  Do not give them any reason to distrust you.  Let them trust you so much that they are willing to let you see them at their worse and at their most vulnerable state.  Let them trust you so much that they tell you their deepest secrets and fears.

2. Do Everything You Can to Save Your Marriage

Marriage is incredibly hard.  I never dreamed it would be so hard.  My marriage was anything but perfect.  In fact, at times it was a painful struggle.  Gordie and I were completely different people and sometimes approached life very differently.  Gordie and I actually separated twice during our marriage.  We were both ready to throw in the towel.  But we didn’t.  There is no couple who fought harder to stay married than Gordie and I.  Even when we didn’t want to.  Even when the easier choice might have been to go our separate ways.  Gordie died suddenly and even though we fought to stay married to the very end, I still have regrets.  However, had we separated and then he had died, I would have an even bigger regret.  I thank God daily that I don’t have that big regret. I thank God daily that Gordie and I fought to stay married until the end.  If he were to walk back on to Earth today, I would do things differently.  I would hold his hand at least once a week.  I would say I love you all the time.  I would try not to get mad at the stupid stuff.  I would make date night a monthly mandate.  I would listen more.  I would try harder to not let the struggles of life and the everyday logistics that can be so exhausting affect our marriage.  I would try to not let the stress of my job affect our marriage.  I would have more fun.  I would agree to leave the dishes until morning.  Actually, I am lying about that one.  So, my advice is when your marriage is hard or not making you happy, remember why you married your spouse and remind yourself that your spouse picked you.  Out of all the people in this world they picked you and you picked them.  I know not all marriages are meant to stand the test of time.  I certainly don’t advocate for staying in a marriage where nobody is happy or where the marriage is irretrievably broken.  My advice is to just try absolutely everything before you quit.

3. Go For It

Any widowed spouse, especially those of us who lost our spouses at a younger age, will tell you that life is short.  It’s a cliché but it’s incredibly true.  Knowing that, I say go for it.  Chase your dreams.  Set some goals and do all you can to accomplish them.  Dream big.  I have wanted to be a published writer since before my kids were born.  It is my greatest career desire and that’s saying a lot because my actual career to date is pretty good.  But it’s not my dream career.  So, since you are reading my blog, you can see I am going for it.  I know failure is quite possible but I don’t care.  I will be more angry at myself for not trying than failing.  Becoming a Widow kicked my butt in gear.  I now know, first hand, that life can change in a matter of minutes.  I am going for it.

4. Take on as Much as You Can…and Even a Little More

This piece of advice is going to be controversial but if you know me personally, you know that I love a little controversy.  A couple of years ago I heard a woman speak about reducing stress in your life, reducing commitments, and not trying to be the perfect mom, wife, neighbor, etc.  I really enjoyed that seminar but I respectfully kind of disagree.  I think the world is a better place when we each take on as much as we can and push ourselves to take on even a little more.   I had a female boss when I worked at MillerCoors who had a great impact on me and she probably does not even know it.  Jackie was a very successful career woman who also had a child.  One day I asked her “how do you do it?”  She gave me some great advice but there was one phrase that really stuck.

“Staci, we can sleep when we die”, she said.

Now, Jackie certainly was not advocating never sleeping and neither am I.  But that phrase means something to me.  Take on all that you possibly can now…while you can.  Push yourself to near exhaustion.  I go to bed absolutely exhausted every single night.  I take on way more than I probably should.  My friends are constantly telling me to “just say no”.  I do say no when I need to.  I do say no when I think the amount that I am taking on is negatively affecting my kids.  But even though I am so tired some nights that I nearly sleep in my clothes, I go to bed every night feeling accomplished, feeling that I am pushing myself to do as much as, maybe even a little more, than I can handle.  I go to bed knowing that I am working to put food on the table for my kids, staying connected to my community, helping at school, managing sports teams, keeping my kids engaged academically, socially, and physically, and staying connected to my friends and family.  I will have no regrets about pushing myself when I die someday.  And then I will take a big, long nap.  Maybe with Gordie.

I think about Jackie’s comment all the time, mostly when I am running in the morning and feeling exhausted just thinking about the day ahead of me.  As my feet pound the pavement, I whisper out load “I can sleep when I die.”

5. Death Happens.  Be Prepared

Life can throw really horrible curve balls.  Be prepared…especially if you have a spouse or children.  Write letters to your kids to be opened after you are gone.  Write how proud you are of them.  Write about some of your favorite memories with them.  Write what you hope for them in the future.  Write the advice you plan to give later in their lives.  Tell them to get on with their lives.  I’m not kidding.  I wrote one letter to both of my boys after each was born.  I traveled for work and I wanted a letter in place just in case something happened.   Unfortunately Gordie didn’t write letters before he died suddenly.  Write a letter to your spouse too.  I wish I had a last letter from Gordie.

Get life insurance and get as much as you can afford and as much as they will give you.

Get wills, trusts, guardianship papers, powers of attorneys, medical desires, etc in place.  Make sure they are signed.

If you have joint assets (cars, money accounts, houses, etc), make sure both of your names are on everything.  If you have separate assets, have a plan for what’s going to happen to them or at least give the info to your spouse so they can find them.

Get a lock box at a bank and keep a copy of all the paperwork in there.  Make sure someone else has the key or knows which bank.

Talk to your spouse now about what they want when they pass.  It makes it so much easier when it actually happens.

Gordie and I had done a lot of preparation for death after our first son was born but there were still things that we did not have tied up.  Those things took time, brain power, and money to figure out and when your spouse dies suddenly, you barely have the brain power or time to get dressed.

Death unfortunately happens.  Prepare for it.

6. Take Pictures

I have a lot of photos of Gordie but I wish I had more.  I wish I had more photos of him and I.  I wish I had more photos of him and the boys.  I try to take even more pictures now.  I make a conscious effort to not just take pictures of the boys but to get pictures of me with them.  Pictures, love, faith, family and friends are the five things of which you can never have enough.

7. Rethink What’s Important

I would give every dollar I have, my house, my cars, and the rest of my possessions if Gordie could come back to Earth.  I would live in a rotting house in a gang infested neighborhood if he could come back and be with us..  Don’t get me wrong.  I like nice things.  I live in a nice house.  I drive a more than decent car.  I buy my sons a reasonable amount of stuff.  I buy myself nice clothes and shoes (although my wardrobe pales considerably to the wardrobes in the town where I live!).  But all this stuff means nothing to me.  Absolutely nothing.  I like it but I don’t value it.  I work hard to put food on the table for my sons and to put a roof over their heads.  I work hard to pay for the opportunities that my sons are given.  I work hard to pay for medical insurance.  I work hard to pay for vacations where we develop lasting memories.  I worry about money every day.  But the only value I place on money is it allows me to provide for my sons.  I am thankful for what money I have.  But it does not define me.  Just like so many others, before Gordie died, money was a bigger deal to me.  I wanted the nice house, the desirable neighborhood, the sweet car, the beautiful furniture, and nice clothes.  Now, I don’t really care that much.  I lost something of great value to me six years ago:  my husband.  What matters to me, what’s important to me is different as a result of my loss.  Here’s what is important to me: my sons, their health, my health, my family, my friends, my ability to work to support my sons, being the best Mom I can be, and my still struggling faith.

Don’t get me wrong.  I would love a bigger house in what has always been my dream neighborhood in my town.  I would love an outdoor living area.  I would love to buy myself a Porsche when I turn 50 next year.  I would love to go to Tahiti.  I would love new bedroom furniture.  Maybe I’ll attain some of this stuff someday, maybe I won’t.  The point is all that stuff will never be important to me.  I would like it but it will never be what defines me.  It will never be something of value to me.

8. Treat Yourself

Despite the fact that money and stuff has no importance to me other than being a means to support my sons, I am a huge advocate of treating yourself.   Life is unbelievably hard at times.  Everyone deserves a treat.  The magnitude of the treat should depend on your financial situation.  Treat yourself but within your means.  I treat myself now and then.  Sometimes it’s as small as purchasing a couple of new songs for my running playlist.  Sometimes it’s bigger like the ONE pair of Jimmy Choo shoes I have ever purchased (3.5 years ago).  My most often treat is a frozen yogurt from my favorite place in town.  I like treating myself either when I am feeling down or when I feel like I earned it.  It makes me feel better.  But while I do like to treat myself and I feel a little more special when I wear that one pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, they too mean nothing to me.  If someone broke into my house, they can have the Jimmy Choos.  Just please leave me, my sons and dog alone and please leave my pictures.

9. Ask for Help or Force Help on Those who can’t Ask

The fact that I am telling you to ask for help is more than ironic because people close to me will tell you that I am terrible at asking for help.  I hate to bother people.  I assume everyone is too busy.  I would much rather pay for help than ask for it.  In the past few years, I have been fascinated by how people ask for or offer help.  What I’ve realized is that there are many, many caring people who truly want to help and when their offer is not received or when people are not asking for their help, it’s truly upsetting to these incredibly caring people.  I have even experienced that myself.  There have been times over the years where I really wanted to help someone but they never asked or accepted my offer even though I was fairly certain they needed the help.  I still suck at asking for help.  But my advice is to ask for it.  And for those of you who have friends who are not accepting your offer of help, just force it on them.  Many of my friends have done that over the years.  I don’t ask or I don’t accept and yet they just do it.  I am always so, so thankful they did.

10. Be the Best Parent you can Be

There are times I am a terrible Mom.  Some days I yell at my kids when they don’t deserve it.  Sometimes I say not so nice things to them and I know it’s wrong.  My kids don’t have the greatest dinners because I have little to no time to cook.  Sometimes I ignore my kids or tell them, not very nicely, to leave me alone when I am working at night or on the weekends.

But.

I strive to be the best parent I can be.  I’m never going to be a perfect parent.  And there are times I will continue to be a sucky parent.  I recognize my faults and I try to make up for them with my parental strengths.  I go to every school event for my children.  I attend nearly every sports game for both of my sons.  The only games I miss are when their games are at the same time.  I talk to my kids all the time.  Really talk.  I help with homework and school projects even though I could push that on our amazing Nanny.  We have movie nights at our house where the three of us sit shoulder to shoulder on our couch eating popcorn.  I don’t have much of a social life outside of my kids and I’m OK with that.  My path, even though I did not want it, was to be a solo parent.  My most important job in life is to make sure that despite losing their Dad and living in a solo parent home, my sons will become responsible, respectful, resourceful gentlemen who will lead good lives and who their Dad would be proud of.  My job is to enable every possible opportunity for them despite our circumstances.  I can do that.  Not perfectly all the time but I’m trying to be the best parent I can be.

11. Give Your Spouse Gifts

When Gordie and I got married, we had a new mortgage, school loans, and a new car payment.  We also had Ralphie, our new puppy (who I still have today) who we felt deserved to go to Doggie Daycare twice a week.  Money was tight.  So, at Christmas and on birthdays, we did what many couples did and agreed to just give each other cards.  We continued to do that the first few years after we became parents.  I wish we had not done that.  Thankfully, Gordie and I both broke the rule a few times over the years.  The only possessions that I value today are the things that Gordie gave to me over the years.  None of them are extremely fancy or extravagant but to me, they are like the Hope Diamond.  My very favorite is a silver heart pendant that he gave me the Christmas after our first son, Nathan, was born.  The pendant holds two pictures and I’ll never forget what he said.

“It holds two pictures Stace.  I’m guessing you are going to put Nathan and Ralphie in it”.

Twelve years later, the pendant is still empty.  I never put any pictures in it. I just never got around to it.  But I love it.  I wear it all the time.

I tell people all the time to spoil their spouses/significant others on birthdays and holidays like Christmas.  I’m not advising to break the bank but give something that you can afford that you know they will love.  I love everything that Gordie gave me.  He was a great gift giver and always put time and thought into figuring out what I either needed or would love.  In addition to the heart pendant, I still use or wear all the things he gave me over the years.  Sometimes I wish there were more, not because I need more things, but because whenever I see them, it’s a nice reminder of my old life and it’s kind of like he’s saying, “Hey Stace.”

12. Choose Happiness

The greatest perspective shift I have had since my husband died is that being happy is a choice.  I have met many, many Widows and Widowers over the years.  I have met people who have lost children.  I have met people who have lost siblings.  I have met people who have lost parents.  I have met people who have experienced other traumatic losses such as divorce.  Some of the people I’ve met are still so, so sad…even though their loss happened years ago.   My heart breaks for them.  But part of me also wants to gently shake them by the shoulders and say “choose happiness!”

I try to choose happiness every day.  There are days where it’s a real struggle and even days where I don’t succeed.  Everyone has bad days.  I have them too.  Six years later I still have tough days where I miss Gordie so much I can’t breathe.  Sometimes I have tough days because I can feel my sons miss their dad so much and their pain nearly destroys me.  Some days are bad days at work.  Some days I am sad for friends who are going through tough times.  And some days I am just so exhausted raising my sons on my own that I lie down on my bed and cry.  But 80% of the time, I am successful in choosing happiness.  I laugh a lot.  I find humor in as much of life as possible.  I joke with my kids.  I enjoy the sunrise during a morning run.  I enjoy the sunset when I’m watching my boys swim in the pool.

Choose things and people that make you happy.  Sports and the outdoors is what makes me the happiest.  My life as a solo Mom is incredibly busy but I make time for running, tennis, swimming, skiing, water skiing, and hiking because those things make me happy.  I have a few TV shows that make me happy so I record them and watch them when I can.  Sometimes my schedule only allows for one show per week but it’s a really happy hour.  Watching my kids play sports makes me happy.  I make an effort to see my friends and my parents because they make me happy.  I have no room in my life for people who do not make me happy.

In the first year following Gordie’s death, I thought I would never be happy again.  I thought I never wanted to be happy again.  I really just wanted to be sad.  On some days I did not want to live anymore.  But one day towards the end of the first year without Gordie, I was running an 11 mile run in prep for my first half marathon.  As I ran, I thought about how I had been sad for nearly a year.  As I pushed into my 10^th mile, I realized something.  I was pretty tired of being sad.  It was time for me to stop being sad.  It was time for me to choose happiness.  I will never forget that day.  I know exactly where I was in my town, waiting to cross a street when I had this realization.  As the light changed and I ran across the street, I promised myself that as much as I could, I was going to stop being sad.  I was choosing happiness.

So, there it is:  a dozen things that I now know after six years of being a Widow.  It has been a long, tough, six years.  I wish this had never happened to my sons and me but I cannot change it.  So, I am determined to learn from it and share what I’ve learned.