My oldest son, Nathan, is at his first high school dance tonight. School started only 10 days ago but tonight’s dance caps off not just the first two weeks of school but over a month of change and challenges for my son. From freshman football try outs to orientation to the first day of high school to the first football game as a student, to his first dance.
And his Dad was not here to guide him through it.
My husband, Gordie, has been gone for over seven years. Sadly, my two sons and I are now used to a life without Gordie. Naturally, we miss him every day but we have figured out how to live a life without him. However, it’s times like these that can be tough on all of us and are a painful reminder of what we are missing.
Don’t get me wrong. My son has had a terrific experience so far and he has not said a word about wishing his Dad was here, but I know he feels that way because I feel that way. I’ve tried to do my best to fill in for Gordie but even though my son loves me, I am a poor substitute for his Dad. There are times like these where a boy just wants his Dad.
My son did not make the football team. He was disappointed but not surprised. For weeks he had been saying he was too small and too slow. In the days leading up to “cut day”, I tried to think about what Gordie would say to Nathan if he were cut. The obvious stuff came to mind “I’m so proud of you for doing this”, “It does not matter that you did not make it, it matters that you tried and put it all out there”, and “you achieved your two goals…you met a ton of kids and got into better shape”. However, I felt like there was something else Gordie would tell him, something profound and meaningful, something that would make Nathan smile and feel better. But I never figured out what that something might be.
So when he got into the car and told me he was cut, I simply told him “your Dad is smiling like crazy right now because he is so proud that you tried and worked so hard.”
Nathan gave me a little smile and we drove home.
A few days before school we had Orientation for the Freshman class. It included a Mass (Nathan attends a Catholic school) and a family BBQ. Nathan has never said anything but I know one of the things that bothers him most about our situation is being one of the few kids who only has a Mom at events like these. Even more bothersome to him is only having a Mom at his sports games. Nathan hates when people ask “how come it’s only your Mom who is ever here?” So, when the invite came out a month prior, I asked my boyfriend to attend. Naturally he said yes. Even though Nathan would have given his pitching arm to have Gordie at his orientation with him, I could see that he was much more at ease with my boyfriend there. To all the kids who did not yet know Nathan, or his story, he appeared like a regular kid with two parents. More importantly, he appeared like a boy with a Dad.
The night before school started I asked Nathan if he was nervous. “A little bit…but not too bad,” he responded. Again, I wondered what Gordie would tell his oldest son on the eve of his first day of high school and again, I just could not figure it out. So, I told Nathan “your Dad was a floater…he had a lot of friends and floated among groups. I think floating is a good thing in high school.”
“Did you float?” he asked.
“Kind of”, I replied. I then smiled and said “your Dad was probably more popular than me though.”
Nathan laughed and said “yeah, I can see that.”
I laid awake most of that night trying to figure out what Gordie would have said to Nathan on his first day of high school. I even whispered, “can you just airdrop the words into my head Gordie?” Nothing.
As I dropped Nathan at his ride’s house that first morning I was at a loss for words so I told him “good luck and don’t get stuffed into a garbage can.” For weeks I had been messing with him about freshmen getting stuffed into garbage cans and lockers.
Nathan laughed and said,“I’ll try”.
His first day of high school was the slowest moving day that I can remember in years. At precisely 3pm, I called him from work.
“How was it?” I asked.
“It was good. And I did not get stuffed in a garbage can”, he replied.
Last night was the first football game that Nathan attended as a freshman. He has been to many football games at the school in the past, but this was his first as a student of the school, which by the way is the same school his Dad attended. And I attended the girls’ school across the street.
Nathan never said anything but I know he would rather have had Gordie take him to the game and then drive him home. I know he would have so loved to talk about the game, analyzing plays and calls, all the way home with Gordie. I have invested years trying to be knowledgeable about sports but I am still a pale comparison to my sports loving husband. I tried my best to hold up my end of the game analysis discussion with Nathan on the way home but I know I was second rate at best.
I’m also pretty sure he would have liked his Dad to be here while he got ready for his first high school dance. As I was driving Nathan to the pre-party, I again wondered what Gordie would say to Nathan on this occasion. Still again, I could not figure it out. So, I took a pack of gum out of my purse, gave it to Nathan and said, “you don’t want to be the freshman boy with stinky breath.” He laughed and took the gum.
The first 10 days of high school were good. Nathan seems happy. He is making friends. I have no reason to be concerned about anything. Nathan also has many men looking out for him…my boyfriend, Nathan’s godfather, friends of Gordie’s, and friends of mine. Gordie and I even have friends who now work at the school who are looking out for Nathan. I know he will be fine. But I’m still sad, angry and frustrated. I am sad and angry that Nathan has to start high school without his Dad. I am angry that there will always be times like these, starting high school, going to Prom, starting college, interviewing for jobs, getting married, and having babies that Nathan will be without the guidance of his Dad. I am sad that Gordie is missing times like these. I am frustrated that I cannot figure out what Gordie’s words of wisdom and encouragement to Nathan would be in times like these. It’s crazy how frustrating this is to me.
My sons and I have learned to live without Gordie but it’s times like these where we are reminded of the severe injustice that was forced upon us. It is times like these where we fall a few steps backward in our journey through grief. It is times like these where life is a little tougher for us. It is times like these where I am once again pissed at God. It’s times like these where I need to run it out, or right now while I am nursing a running injury, swim it out.
When I came home after taking some kids from the pre-party to the dance tonight, I noticed a pleasant smell in the house. At first I could not figure out what it was. I walked through the laundry room and into the garage and then realized it smelled like a man’s cologne. The first thing that came to mind was Gordie. In fact, I started talking out loud.
“OK…I have been thinking about you so much lately that I think I actually smell you Gordie. Are you here?” I asked.
I stopped for a minute expecting a sign. Nothing.
I walked back into the house and down the hallway. The scent grew stronger. I walked by Nathan’s bathroom and inhaled.
“Ohhhhh…never mind Gordie. It’s not you. It’s our son”, I said out loud and laughed.
Cologne. Maybe that was Gordie’s whispered advice to Nathan.