Dear Son:

Watching a dream shatter for you is the worse pain I have felt second to losing your Dad. I have never seen you, or anyone, work so hard to try to achieve something that you have dreamed about for years. My heart is broken, not because you did not make the team, but because it is so unjust that hard work, back breaking hard work, balls to the wall hard work, commitment, and personal sacrifice were not rewarded.

Even worse, you, of all people, don’t deserve this. You have had enough tragedy and bad stuff happen to you for a lifetime and you are only 14. This is the part that is hardest for me to take and it makes me want to curse at the Universe and God. It makes me want to throw things. It makes me want to hurt certain people.

I wish your Dad was here to help you get back up, brush off, and take the world by its balls. But he’s not, so my number one priority right now is to help you do this. Before we start the rebuilding process, here is what I need for you to know and remember.

Don’t ever accept when someone tells you that you can’t do something.

Don’t ever listen when someone talks to you cruelly. Stare them in the eyes so they think you are listening but block their words out by saying “fuck you asshole” in your head. Mom does it all the time and nobody is better at it than me.

Ask for answers, just like you did.

When you receive answers that lack support, keep asking…like you did. However, when it becomes clear that the person lacks support for their decision, move on. Understand that you will get crappy answers in life, answers that are contradictive to the facts. People lie. People will say anything to get out of something. People will say anything to defend a defenseless decision.

Know that the world is full of pussies. Yes, Mom said the P word. These people are weak, often unethical, usually lack integrity and cannot look someone in the eye when they have screwed up. It takes a big person to look someone in the eye and explain why they did what they did. It takes an even bigger person to own up to a mistake. My wish for you and your brother is that you make good decisions where you can look the impacted person in the eye and explain your rationale. And when you make a bad decision that impacts someone, which you will do at some point in your lives, I hope you will look them in the eye, acknowledge your bad decision, apologize, and make it right. Never walk the long way around someone to avoid looking them in the eye and explaining your decision. If you feel you have to walk the long way to avoid someone, without a doubt, you fucked up.

Command and demand respect. You, and you alone, are the guardian of your self respect. Never let anyone disrespect you, not even an adult. You do not have to show respect to an adult who is disrespecting, manipulating or trying to control you. If an adult is disrespecting you I give you permission to stand up for yourself. You did that the other night and I could not be more proud of you. You showed that you are your Father’s son.

Leverage your strengths. You and I have had brutally honest conversations about your strengths and areas where you are not strong. You know what your strengths are. You also know that most people would kill for two of your strengths. I realize that one of those strengths does not seem powerful to a high school boy and you would trade it for another strength you feel you lack. Please trust me when I say that you will be thanking God profusely for that strength when you reach college and beyond. Exploit these two incredible strengths. If you do, your success will be unlimited.

Operate with a “trust is earned” mentality. Don’t hand over your trust. Let people earn it. I once told my Boss that I did not trust her. She asked how she could gain my trust and I said, “earn it.” She spent two years trying to earn it…and she did. If someone breaks your trust, be very wary. It is perfectly OK to eliminate from your life those who break your trust.  I see you contemplating this right now with this experience. Trust your gut.

Most important, don’t ever, ever give up on anything important to you.

And don’t stop working hard to achieve your dreams.

75% of the time that hard work will pay off. 25% of the time it won’t.

As you grow up, you will come to learn that is a fantastic ratio.

Finally, know that dreams don’t die unless YOU decide they should. If you put a dream away, in your treasure box of the past, that’s fine, as long as you replace it with a new dream. A life without dreams is not a life. New dreams are just as good as the old dreams…sometimes better. But new or old…whatever dreams you decide upon, tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, those will be the right dreams for you. You will know.

I know that in many situations, especially one like this, I am a poor substitute for your Dad. I know that there are gaps that I cannot fill, no matter how hard I try.

But the good news is this.

I am fucking awesome at getting back up, brushing off and taking the world by its balls.

I have been kicked personally and professionally, multiple times. I have even been kicked when I was already down. Like you, I have been screwed by people, fate and God. Like you, I have had my dreams shattered into pieces. Like you, I have had people tell me I couldn’t do something or I didn’t have what it takes for something I wanted. Like you, I had people make decisions that were not fact based and those decisions hurt me.

But I got up. I made them think I was listening to them when in my head I was saying, “fuck you, just watch me.” I came back strong. In some cases I picked up the pieces of the same dream, glued them together and chased it again. In other cases, I changed the dream…and it turned out to be a better dream. I worked hard, sometimes twice as hard, and I got there. Not 100% of the time, but certainly 75% of the time.  Always remember my two favorite quotes:

“It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” (from the movie Rocky)

“All things come to those who wait”  (Violet Fane)

Hard work pays off. At least 75% of the time. Don’t forget that. If you give up on that belief, then this horrible experience and the people who shattered your dream have nearly killed your spirit. Don’t ever, EVER give anyone the power to kill your spirit.

So, although I am a crappy substitute for your Dad, my resume to help you through this is perfect.

On we go.

Love, Mom