One of the real joys of losing your spouse is that for the most part you, and only you, can close out their life. Even if you have the greatest friends in the world like I do, it’s nearly impossible for them to handle it. I would later find some resources and lists with instructions on how to close out someone’s life but when I started doing it one week after Gordie’s death, I was making my own lists. Gordie and I had wills and trusts in place before his passing but in hindsight, we were not entirely prepared for an unexpected death. There were a lot of loose ends that are probably typical of healthy people in their 40s who are not expecting to die early. Closing out Gordie’s life would take years. I ended up doing the most important stuff in those first few months and then I was so sick of everything death related, I just stopped and took a multi year break. Truthfully, 5 years later, I am still not done.
I ended up taking three weeks off from work after Gordie died but I was working 80 hour weeks taking care of my sons, searching for a Nanny to care for them when I went back to work, and closing Gordie’s life. I would be on my computer into the wee hours of the morning making lists, filling out forms, and researching information on how to do things. It was exhausting and mentally torturous.
The Coroner released a temporary death certificate fairly quickly. It was temporary because of the investigation into how Gordie actually died. The cause of death section said “to be determined.” I was able to use this temporary certificate to do almost everything that needed to be done.
I made an appointment at Social Security as soon as I had the temporary death certificate. Luckily they were able to fit me in within a few days. I walked into the office with my “death folder”, as I called it, and sat in the waiting room. I looked around at the people in the waiting room and wondered why they were here. Then I started thinking do they wonder what I’m doing here? Can they tell by my face that my husband died?
My name was called and a woman led me to her desk. She asked how she could help me.
“My husband died”, I replied.
Her face was expressionless. “I’m sorry”, she said. Then, with barely a pause “do you have a death certificate?”
I handed it to her.
She started typing away on her computer. Then she started asking questions.
“Do you have kids?” she asked.
“Yes”.
“How many?” she asked.
“Two”
“What are their ages?”
“Six and two”
“What are their full names?”
I gave them to her.
“Was Gordon their biological or adopted Father?”
“Yes, biological”, I said while thinking. are you shitting me?
“Do you work?”
“Yes”
“What is your salary?”
I told her.
“You will not qualify for surviving spouse benefits other than a one time payment of $250”, she said.
“OK. Why?” I asked
“Because of your income. It’s too high”.
What I would learn later is that if a surviving spouse makes about $20 a year in our fabulous country, you don’t qualify for surviving spouse benefits. I felt like telling her that I would be paying nearly $50K/year for a Nanny so that I could continue to do my job and on top of that would be paying for housing, food, clothing, benefits, and other needs ON MY FUCKING OWN. But I kept my mouth shut.
“But you will get surviving children’s benefits” she said.
“OK. How much is that?” I asked.
“I have to figure it out”, she said. The amount she later gave me was nothing to get excited about. Let’s just say that in the area where I live, social security benefits are a mere fraction of what most women of divorce are getting in child support…even if they have joint custody.
She kept on typing and eventually started printing out documents. She placed them in front of me.
At the top of the first page, in fairly big font, the words “Marriage Ended in Death” screamed out at me.
I have never been sucker punched but I have taken a ball to the gut several times through my years of playing soccer. At that moment, I felt like I had taken a ball to the gut. The breath was knocked out of me.
Marriage Ended in Death? My marriage ended? I’m not married?
I was stunned. Not once in the 12 days since Gordie passed had anyone told me that I was not legally married anymore. Not once had the notion even crossed my mind.
The Social Security Lady is the one who breaks the news to me that I am not actually married anymore? Are you fucking kidding me?
The little fire pit of anger that was now permanently in my belly ignited. I looked down at my wedding ring on my left hand as my fists were clenching. I then literally sat on my clenched fists to prevent myself from thrusting my left hand in the Social Security lady’s face and screaming “you see that Bitch? That’s a wedding ring. I am married! I will always be married to Gordie. Fuck you!”
I don’t remember anything more she told me during that meeting. At the end, I just added the forms she gave me to the Death Folder and walked to my car. I drove home dazed, sad, and pissed. When I got home, my Mom had things with Wyatt under control. She looked at my face. I just rolled my eyes and said, “I need to run”. She nodded.
I ripped off my sweats, put my running clothes on and laced up my shoes. I grabbed my iPod and took off out the door. As I ran, I did not see the road in front of me. All I could see were those words “Marriage Ended in Death”.