One rainy day at the end of March, there was a message on my voicemail from the Sergeant in charge of the investigation into Gordie’s death. Suicide had been ruled out but there was otherwise no clue on how Gordie had fallen into the pool and died. He would like to send in the divers.
Gordie’s sister was managing the investigation in order to lessen the burden on my plate. I had my hands full with closing out his life, taking care of the boys, grieving, and helping my sons grieve. Gordie’s sister was, in his own words, “a pitbull of an attorney”. She was the perfect person to manage the investigation but the Sergeant would still occasionally call me with updates and questions.
I walked outside of my work building and listened to the message. The message was simply “can you please call me at your convenience?”
Ugh, I thought. I probably should not call him back while I am here at work.
I paced around the parking lot, in the rain, for a minute and then I dialed the Sergeant’s number. I could not help myself. What if they had figured out how Gordie died?
“Hi Sergeant, this is Staci Ball”, I said.
“Hi Staci. I wanted to let you know that we are going to bring some divers to the pool at the Estate so that we might better undertand what happened to your husband.”
I was stunned and nearly speechless.
“OK. When?” I asked.
“Most likely the day after tomorrow. I am just waiting on confirmation that the diver who has a build similar to Gordie’s is available.
Build similar to Gordie??? Good god, I thought. I was silent for a minute.
“Staci, you do not have to be there”, the Sergeant said gently.
“I’ll be there. Please call me back when you have the confirmed day and time”, I asked before I said good-bye and hung up the phone.
I walked back into work, sat at my desk, and stared at my computer screen. I did not see what was actually on my computer screen though. The only visual I could see was the pool at the Estate.
There is no way I can’t be there, I thought. I am his wife. I have to be there.
The date was confirmed for two days later. That day, I decided to work from home. I would have had to leave early anyway and I was a nervous wreck. What in god’s name was this going to be like?
I tried to distract myself by focusing on my work but I was agitated. I could not sit still. My foot was shaking back and forth as I sat with my legs up on my bed, my computer on my lap. At the top of the lunch hour, I looked outside. It was raining. I looked down at my foot. It was still moving like the tail on a dog. I put my running clothes on, grabbed my running rain jacket, and headed out for a short run. No matter how hard I tried to clear my mind and focus on the music coming through my headphones, all I could picture was that pool.
After my run, I showered, dressed, and did some more work. When it was time to go to the Estate, I grabbed one of Gordie’s baseball caps, another rain jacket and headed out the door.
I drove to the Estate in silence. No radio. The only sound was the swishing back and forth of my windshield wipers. I drove through the gates of the Estate and around back to the pool. Everyone was already there. The Sergeant, some other Sheriff members, the Divers and Gordie’s family including his Dad, Step-Mom, Sister, Brother, and Step-Dad. Gordie’s Mom did not come. It was too much for her. I don’t blame her. I don’t think I could watch something like this if it were one of my son’s.
I walked up to the side of the pool. The pool cover, which had remained almost entirely off since the day of Gordie’s death, was pulled back to cover the pool. The Sheriff had marked the place where Gordie’s sunglasses had been found on the side of the pool. The pool cover in that area was slightly folded back. There were two Divers in wetsuits. I studied both of them. One of them did indeed have a build similar to Gordie. I looked at the other one.
Why are there two? I thought.
Then I figured it out. The second one was there to rescue the first one in case he could not get out. I felt a wave of nausea flow through my stomach.
The rain continued to come down. It was cold and dreary.
The group from the Sheriff’s office was huddled around the spot where Gordie’s sunglasses had been found. They talked very, very softly. I moved closer to whee they were huddled. I wanted to hear what they were saying.
The Diver with Gordie’s build was ready to go. He knelt down in the spot where they thought Gordie had entered the pool. They had the pool filler thing next to him. When Gordie had been pulled from the pool, the pool filler that connects to the garden hose had been pulled out of the pool. It was in there the night before he died because I had seen and heard it when I was down at the pool. It did not sound like it was functioning correctly and I mentioned it to Gordie that night. The Sheriff, and I, thought that Gordie had most likely finished his run, walked over to the pool, and started working on the pool filler thing and then somehow had fallen into the pool. The Sheriff believed that he was kneeling down working on the pool filler when something went wrong.
The Diver paused for a minute after kneeling down and then fell into the pool. I watched from the side. He allowed himself to float under the pool cover. After several minutes, he crawled out of the pool. The Sergeant and the other Sheriff members swarmed around him, talking quietly. I strained to listen.
“…..really dark under there….hard to know where you are….disorientating…” were the only words I could make out.
Disorientating. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I looked up to the sky and closed my eyes. The rain hit my face like cold little needles, mixed with my tears, and slid down my face.
How the fuck is this real? , I thought. How did my life become a CSI episode?
After a few minutes, the diver knelt down again and purposely fell into the pool. Again, he floated under the pool cover and then eventually came out. He fell in again, and again, and again. At one point he looked like he was almost trying to hit his head on the side of the pool.
I just stood there, in the pouring rain, watching this nightmare over and over. Gordie’s Step Mom came over and offered to share her umbrella. I shook my head and choked out the words, “I am OK”. She rubbed my arm and walked back to Gordie’s Dad. I think she sensed that I wanted to stand by myself.
Then, the Diver climbed out of the water and took off some of his diving gear. They were done. Gordie’s Sister told him that there was a bathroom in the pool house where he could change. The Sergeant walked towards me. Gordie’s family gathered around.
“We are still unsure of how Gordie fell in the pool. What we learned today is that it’s possible that it would have been difficult for Gordie to have known where he was under the pool cover, particularly if he was disoriented from hitting his head on the side of the pool which might have been how he got the bruise”, the Sergeant said.
Gordie’s sister asked some questions. Gordie’s Dad asked some questions. I just stared at the pool. The Diver came out of the pool house and walked over to us. I looked him in the eye.
“Could you see when you were under that pool cover?” I asked him.
He looked at me for a few seconds before he answered. “Not very well. It’s a little dark”, he said.
“Do you think Gordie did not know how to get out?” I asked, again looking him straight in the eye.
He paused again before he answered. “I think that it is a possibility”.
I bowed my head and cried.
I drove home wet, cold, and devastated. I could not stop thinking about what Gordie’s final moments might have been like. Was he in a panic trying to figure out how to get out from under the cover and out of the pool? Did he know he was dying? Was he terrified? Did he suffer?
I reached my parents’ house, parked my car, ran in the door, down the hallway to the bathroom, and threw up.