Today is Mother’s Day. My sixth Mother’s Day since my husband passed away in 2012. As I have done on every Mother’s Day since Gordie died, I started the day with a run and got lost in my thoughts. Today I thought about the art of solo parenting and I use the words “the art” very intentionally. Parenting is an art for all of us, solo or not, but for solo parents, it is an art that is challenging beyond what any non-solo parent can dare to imagine.

According to Thoughtco.com, the definition of balance in art is, “as a basic principle of art (specifically of design), the definition of balance refers to the ways in which the elements (lines, shapes, colors, textures, etc.) of a piece are arranged.

Surviving solo parenting not only takes extreme energy, discipline, and perseverance; it also takes balance and careful arrangement on a daily basis. It’s all about how the pieces are arranged, and often those pieces are arranged incredibly imperfectly.

When you are a solo parent, your kids don’t eat if you are too tired to cook dinner. When you are a solo parent, your kids are filthy if you don’t bathe them. When you are a solo parent, your kids will fail school if you don’t help them with their homework or projects. When you are a solo parent and you are too tired to do the laundry, your kids are the ones on the baseball field with mud-covered pants. When you are a solo parent and go out for a girl’s dinner on a school night, not only do you have to get a sitter, but also find someone who can help with homework. Otherwise you are dealing with it when you get home late that night or waking your child up early the next morning to get it done. When you are a solo parent, if your son has a baseball game the same night as your weekly tennis lesson, there is no second parent to say “enjoy your lesson, I’ll be at his game.”

When your two sons have baseball games at the exact same time, there is no second parent with whom to divide and conquer. When your older child needs help with a project the moment you walk in the door from work, there is no second parent to make dinner and help your younger child with reading while you are helping the older one.

When you have a business trip, there is no second parent to hold down the fort. You are not only madly arranging night and day child care before your trip, you are ensuring they have lunches at school while you are gone, you are packing your clothes AND their clothes for the time you are gone, you are trying to get ahead on projects and homework so there is less to deal with while you are gone, you are writing list after list, you are arranging rides to practices. And most of all, you are praying to God that nothing happens to you which would leave your children without any parents at all.

For me, the hardest part of solo parenting is not the logistics, it’s that there is no emotional break. If you have a bad day at work and are in a horrible mood, you still have to deal with whiny kids at night. There is no second parent to say “Mommy had a bad day. Let’s leave her alone”. When you are a solo parent and you are beyond fed up with your middle schooler’s lazy approach to homework and school, there is no second parent to say “I’ve got this tonight.” When they are little and turning your back on them is like turning your back on the ocean, there is no second parent to watch them while you take a hot bath to mentally and physically recharge.  When your kids have been fighting all damn day, there is no second parent to tell “I have had it with them. Your turn”, as you grab your People magazine and go into your room. A solo parent is always on.  There is no back up.  They are always the bad cop. Always. Unless they want their kids to go off the rails.

How does the Solo Parent cope? Innovation. Planning. Outside help. And lots of prayer.

The Solo Parent becomes the McGyver of parents. Innovation can be a great way to arrange the pieces and create the balance. I have sat my older son on the closed toilet seat in my bathroom, with a piece of cardboard on his lap acting as a desk, so that I could help him with his homework while his three year old brother was in the bathtub…more than once.

The Solo Parent also becomes the master of time management. While waiting for one son to get out of religion class, the other is doing his homework on the console in your car. When your young son has soccer practice and you are not yet ready to drop and go, you run laps around the field to get your run in because there is no other time. All of this is planned the night before if not days in advance. The Solo Parent is the master planner with color-coded calendars.

The Solo Parent, if they are lucky, has a network of help. I thank God daily for the help at my disposal: my parents, my mother in law, my friends, coaches who know my situation and are waiting with my sons in the very rare times where traffic makes me five minutes late to pick up from practice.  I also think God daily that I have a career that allows me to afford a full time Nanny.  This is not something I take lightly.  I know how lucky I am.

Finally, the Solo Parent prays. My most common prayer at the end of each day as I lay in my bed is “Thank you God for not letting this house of cards come tumbling down.” I also commonly pray for patience, a trait that I am arguably missing.

The Solo Parent tries to arrange the pieces as best they can, they learn to accept the imperfections and they are constantly apologizing to their children for the imperfect arrangement.

“I am sorry I lost my temper with you. I had a really bad day at work but that’s not your fault.”

“I am sorry we are eating Chicken Nuggets and rice for the second time this week.”

“I am sorry that you have to wear the wrong color baseball pants at your game tomorrow.”

“I am sorry that I yelled at you at 10pm last night because I was so frustrated that we were still up working on your project.”

“I am sorry I cannot be there at your game today. Next week I will come to yours and miss your brother’s. “

“I am sorry I was not here to help you with your homework tonight.”

“I am sorry I missed your game tonight. Mommy needs her tennis lessons…it’s nice to smash that ball every week. “

“I am sorry we have to sit in the car in this parking lot and do your homework.”

“I know you are tired and I am sorry. You can’t go to bed yet because we have to pick your brother up from the party at 9pm and I can’t leave you here alone.”

“I am sorry I have to go on this trip. It’s part of my job.”

For some solo parents, extreme honesty becomes part of the art.

“Guys, I had a really, really bad day. I would strongly suggest you be on your best behavior tonight.”

“When you don’t get your homework done or when you forget to turn in your assignments, you are not doing your job. You know what happens if Mom does not do her job? No more Steph Curry shoes. No more vacations. No more private baseball lessons.”

“I know you don’t want me to go on this business trip, but if I don’t go, I will get fired. If Mommy gets fired, we live on the streets.”

“Mommy’s life is not easy. I need more from you.”

“Mommies make mistakes.”

“Mommy’s tired too.”

Solo parenting is not what most would choose. I was terrified about solo parenting when I was widowed five years ago and I was right to be terrified. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s frazzling, and it’s scary. But that was my fate. It is not my choice but God decided that I was going to be a solo parent. I do, however, have choices on how I solo parent. I could certainly choose the easier path and do a worse job or have my sons miss out on things, but my sons deserve better. And even though they fight with each other, sass me, forget to turn their homework in, leave their wet towels on the floor, procrastinate, don’t eat the food that I cook, lose their sweatshirts, and treat my car like a garbage can, they are caring, respectful, moral, God loving boys. There is nothing like seeing their faces light up when I come home from a business trip, even my “too cool to hug my Mom” middle-schooler. There is nothing like feeling both of them lean into me as we sit on the couch and watch a movie. There is nothing like seeing them search for me in the stands when they are playing sports. There is nothing like feeling my younger son wrap his arms around me and whisper “I love you Mommy”.  There is nothing like sitting at the dinner table with my sons and laughing until our sides hurt. There is nothing like taking my sons to Boston and a Red Sox game at Fenway park and hearing them still talk about the trip nearly a year later.

So even though solo parenting sucks, I feel blessed to be a Mom every damn day.

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL of the solo parents out there: Moms and Dads.   My hat is off to you.