Nathan’s 7th birthday was two months and 19 days after Gordie died. As it approached I dreaded it like I dread a job interview or a big presentation or a triathlon or a running race. Just like I do during these events, I wanted so bad to succeed but was so afraid of failure. How could I make his birthday fun and memorable for him when his Dad would not be there?
I am Type A and a planner beyond imagination. I had Nathan’s birthday fully planned in February. He wanted a flag football party with an animal show guy, and an Oakland Raiders theme of course. We had purchased flags, cones, a new football, and booked the animal guy. The party was supposed to be at the Estate. As Nathan’s party neared, I realized I needed a new location. There was no way we would celebrate Nathan’s birthday steps away from where Gordie died in the pool. I booked a park with our town’s park and recreation district. The invitations were sent. His party would take place two days before his actual birthday.
The night before the party, I could not sleep. I once again tossed and turned in my typical bed of worry.
What if I cry at the party?
What if Nathan cries at the party?
What if the party sucks?
What if nobody shows up?
How am I going to orchestrate the party on my own?
Why is this our new life?
I went for a run early the morning of the party. I was hoping if I got my tears out on a run, there would not be any more left for the party. I ran slow. I was tired from my night of no sleep. I looked up at the sky looking for the hawk that had been following us for weeks. I was certain the hawk was Gordie. I had read somewhere that deceased people often come back in the shape of a bird. Shortly after Gordie died, I was driving on autopilot up the road to my parents’ neighborhood when a hawk dive bombed my windshield. Later that same day I was outside in the backyard playing with Wyatt and noticed a hawk continuously circling overhead. As I watched the hawk circle round and round, I had this overwhelming feeling that it was Gordie. For weeks after that, the boys and I saw a hawk circling over us nearly everyday. I told Jane and some of my other friends about the hawk situation.
“Did Gordie like hawks? I don’t remember that”, Jane said.
“Um, I don’t know”, I answered. “I just think that if he was going to pick a bird to come back as, it would be a hawk. I don’t know why. I just think that. And I swear the boys and I are being followed by a hawk.”
There was no hawk following me that morning as I ran before Nathan’s birthday party. I ran home disappointed. I was hoping to see the hawk and get some reassurance that Gordie was here.
We drove to the party and Nathan seemed excited. We got to the park and set up and soon his friends started to arrive. Nathan seemed even more excited. Gordie and his brother, Pat, were supposed to be the two team coaches for the flag football game. After Gordie died I asked his best friend, Chris, to stand in for Gordie. He said he would be honored. The flag football game was a big success. All of the boys, including Nathan, had a great time. I watched the game with Jane beside me. She and her daughters showed up for moral support. At one point, I started to cry behind my dark sunglasses.
“He should be here,” I told Jane.
“I know Girl,” she said.
After the game, we served lunch. I had more than enough help. My parents, Gordie’s Mom, Pat’s wife Liz, Jane, and Chris’ wife Suzi were all there to help. I think they were really there to make sure that I did not have a breakdown. The hardest part of that day for me was the cake. As I lit the candles, the tears started to well up in my eyes.
He should be here I thought again.
As I set the cake with seven burning candles in front of Nathan, I scrutinized his face for sadness. He was smiling but I saw a hint of sadness in those big brown eyes. He blew out his candles and grinned as his friends clapped. I looked up at the sky with a sign of relief and there above us was a hawk circling.
“I knew you would be here”, I whispered.
Later that night as I was tucking Nathan into bed, I asked him to rate his birthday party on a scale of one to ten.
He thought for a few seconds and then said “I give it a nine.”
I was shocked. I was hoping for a seven.
“Really? A nine?” I asked somewhat stunned..
“Yeah Mom. It was awesome. The flag football game was so much fun and that animal show was so cool. That snake was huge!” he replied.
And because I am a perfectionist in addition to being Type A and a planner, I could not help but ask, “is there anything I could have done to make it a ten?”
“No. It could only be a ten if Daddy was there,” he said.
“Well, I’m super happy it was a nine”, I said as I gave him a hug.
I walked down the hall to my room where I sat down on my bed and flopped back. I was exhausted. I thought about what Nathan said. It could not have been a ten no matter what I had done. For this year, that was ok. I was thrilled with the nine rating.
But next year I’m getting a ten, I thought.
In addition to being Type A, a planner, and a perfectionist, I am also competitive.
The next year, I did get a ten. We had an off the hook party at an Oakland A’s game, where a hawk circled above us for quite some time.