Marriage Ended in Death

Dec 6th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The Woman from Social Security typed furiously on her computer while asking me all sorts of questions. Finally, she pressed print and papers came spilling from her printer. She placed the papers in front of me. At the top of the first page, in fairly big font, the words “Marriage Ended in Death” screamed out at me. Marriage Ended in Death? My marriage ended? I’m not married? I was stunned. Not once in the 12 days since Gordie passed had anyone told me that I was not legally married anymore. Not once had the notion even crossed my mind. The Social Security Lady is the one who breaks the news to me that I am not actually married anymore? Are you fucking kidding me? #SocialSecurity #Widowbenefits #Marriageendedindeath #widowsgrief #imstillmarried

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Welcome to Hotel California…but worse

Dec 2nd, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

I did not want to be here. I did not want to have this commonality with these women. But what I would soon learn is that I was part of the Widows club regardless of what I wanted. It’s like the song Hotel California, but worse. In the Eagles’ song, you can check out but you can never leave. However at least, seemingly, you checked in willingly. In the Widows Club, you did not check in voluntarily and you can never leave. It’s fucking fantastic. #widowsclub #hotelcalifornia #widowsandkiddos #widows #widowsgroups

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Shut.the.fuck.up

Nov 29th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Some people say the dumbest things when someone has experienced a loss. “You now have to get use to your new normal.” “God has a different plan for you.” “He’s in a better place.” The comments like these were endless. It seemed everywhere I went, people had these same little gems of wisdom. I would just stare at people as they said this stupid shit and think shut up. But I would just sit there in silence and clench my fists. When I was finally able to escape, I would seek refuge in my runs. My feet seemed to run in continuous four beat counts to the words: shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. #shutup #grief #newnormal #betterplacemyass #runitout

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Faith and the Afterlife

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

After Gordie’s death, my faith crumbled. Although every night, without exception, the boys and I prayed for Gordie in Heaven, my beliefs were gone. But I kept coming back to something that happened the night after he died. Something that made me wonder about the after life and also kind of freaked me out. #visitfromthedead #nightlight #sayinggoodbye

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The invasion of a new emotion: anger

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

However, after the funeral, another feeling started to take hold of my mind and body: anger. I could feel it at various times starting like a boiling pot of water in my belly. It would spread up my body through my back, shoulders, and neck and down my arms. Then it would spread down my legs making me restless, causing me to tap my foot. It was like my entire body was tightening but not the type of tightening caused by stress or anxiety. Rather, this was the type of feeling that makes you clench your fists and your jaw. I was just pissed. #anger #widowsanger #needtorunitout #loosecannon #reckless

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The Run Start Line

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The morning after the Funeral and Reception I got up early, threw my running clothes on and laced up my shoes. I ran 3.6 miles that morning and I cried the entire way. I had officially started my run through grief, a run that would last me the rest of my life. #runningthroughgrief #runningshoes #saucony #ipod

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The ironic similarities between a funeral and a wedding

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Ironically the day before a funeral is not unlike the day before a wedding. The only difference is that you are overwhelmed with a sense of dread vs a sense of excitement. Funeral prep the day before is spent doing the same shit that you do before a wedding: making sure everyone’s outfits are ready, making sure the guest book has been purchased and has a pen to go with it, making sure the music is ready, making sure transportation for the family is set up, making sure the your make up is ready so that you don’t look like crap. #isthisaweddingorafuneral #weddingsandfunerals #funeralpreparation

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The Funeral

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

I really remember very little about the actual funeral. I know the Priest did a great job but I could not tell you anything about it. I just sat there and looked at the coffin and wondered when I was going to wake up from this nightmare. When it was over Nathan and I followed the casket outside. I could feel most people at the funeral watching us. I took a final look at the casket in the back and then nodded at the Funeral Director. He closed the back and then walked to the driver’s side and climbed in. He started the car. I started to feel panicked. Gordie was leaving. Forever. I watched the hearse drive away as huge tears fell from my face, splashing on to the pavement. I looked down. My tears were so big, they left wet marks on the pavement, like raindrops. #funeral #sayinggoodbyeforthelasttime #widow #wakemeupfromthisnightmare #coffin

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Planning a Funeral for my 44 year old Husband…are you friggin’ kidding me??

Nov 26th, 2016 Death, Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

A wife is in a complete daze following the sudden loss of her husband but she still must make life long, non-reversible decisions such as cremation or burial, open casket or closed, whether or not Nathan should be allowed to see his Dad one last time, Catholic mass or not, reading selections, music selections, pallbearer selection, etc. On my best day, I would struggle with trying to make these decisions and here I was having to make them in a state of shock and sadness that my husband was gone. And every time I was asked to make a decision, all I wanted to say was I don’t want to do this! #funeralprep #lifelongdecisions #iwanttoscream #widow #grief

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My 6 year old son’s realization

Nov 25th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

Nathan suddenly asked “Am I going to get a new Daddy now?” If my heart was not already completely broken from my own loss, the rest of what was remaining broke at that moment. My six-year old son was already beginning to understand what life would be like without his beloved father who had been not only his primary caregiver but also his idol. #losingyourdad #imissmydad #growingupwithoutadad #kidsgrief #widowwithkids

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