How one woman used #running to help survive the loss of her husband and raise two boys on her own.
I feel like I have been catapulted back into grief. Although, I never really left it. Losing Ralphie is like losing another piece of Gordie. It’s like losing the last piece of my life before kids. It was just Gordie, Ralphie, and me in Colorado for five years before we had kids. Now both of them are gone.
One of the main reasons I write about my life and experience is to help others. I firmly believe that my husband would want me to do this. So, as I am about start my 7th year as a Widow, I will attempt to pass to you the perspective, outlook, and approach to life that I have gained in the last six years. My hope is that it will make you stop, think, and perhaps change without having to pay the price that I did.
Relocating or removing a wedding ring might sound like no big deal to someone who has not experienced the death of a spouse. But to those of us who have, it’s a decision and event that is charged with emotional angst. Nearly all widowed spouses toy with the questions “should I remove my ring?” and “when should I remove my ring?”
Nathan and I went to his ceremony. I scouted the church for other single parent families but all I could see were children with two parents. Later that night, as I sat on my bed looking out the window at the moon, I thought about Nathan’s comment. He was so right. There are just some people out there that are really nice. And they had just made a special night for my grieving son, special.
I had been dreading Thanksgiving and had been thinking about it on some of my runs in the last few weeks. I still felt like I had been screwed by God and the Universe. I felt that my sons were robbed of a Father who loved them more than any Father I’ve known. On some days I felt that my life was one big struggle. I did not feel like being thankful this year.
So, that’s why my heart hurts this week. I feel the pain of all these people who lost someone in Las Vegas. I experienced this pain with Sandy Hook in 2012, the year that Gordie died. I wrote about it back then and will share it soon on my blog. But this week I have been unable to stop thinking about the Las Vegas victims’ families.
Grief has never really left our home but it has a much quieter presence than it did a few years ago. It is no longer nearly destroying our lives on a daily basis. But I know it will most likely rise up again and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I live everyday knowing my sons’ grief will come back. And I will continue to scour them for signs that it’s here. Like many other widows and widowers with kids, I’m just waiting for it. Waiting for the grief to return. #widowwithkids #childrensgrief #kidsgrief #keeprunning #runningthroughgrief
The first graders then took the stage. I proudly watched Nathan as they all took their places. He looked so cute. They started their song. At first I was not really paying attention to the words. I was just so intent on watching my sweet little boy. But then the words penetrated and I nearly vomited. The song the first graders were singing was about Dads. It was about how great their Dads are, all the things their Dads do with them, and how much they love their Dads. In addition to almost vomiting, I felt a fire explode in my gut. #blindrage #seeingred #fbombs #ChrisRock #protectiveparent
Who gets screwed the most when a young father dies? His wife? His kids? His own parents? His own siblings? His own friends? His beloved Jack Russell Terrier? I have logged so many running miles contemplating this question. I don’t know why but it was a question I could not stop noodling. Five years after my husband died leaving me with two little boys ages six and two, I think I have the answer. #runningthroughgrief #deathsucks #kidsgrief
From not being able to open a spaghetti jar to catching lizards to scary noises at night, here are the 25 things I still hate about being a widow. #soloparenting #widow #runningthroughgrief #ihatespiders #grief
