Return to Widow Funk

Oct 4th, 2018 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Solo Parenting Staci Maher Ball

My sons and I recently welcomed a new member to our family, a beautiful white lab named Aspen. But her arrival has put me back into my Widow’s funk. As much happiness as Aspen brings to my boys, and admittedly me at times, her arrival has also been a bitter reminder that I am alone. The past two weeks have shone a light on the fact that I am raising two boys, and now a puppy, on my own. It’s just me. I don’t have a partner anymore. I never really forget this but sometimes I can ignore it. However, in this time of Puppy-Ville, I can’t ignore it. #puppy #keeprunning #solomom

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A Widow’s End of Summertime Blues

Aug 8th, 2018 Death, Grief, Inspiration, Kids Grief, Life Staci Maher Ball

Summer, for me, is the easiest time to be a Widow with kids. It’s the only time of year where I can somewhat catch my breath. It’s the time of year when I can spend more time with my kids. It’s the season where I am actually, ever so slightly, a better, more fun Mom. It’s the only time when I can actually relax for more than one hour a month.

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A Tale of Two Dads – In Honor of Father’s Day

Jun 15th, 2018 Death, Grief, Inspiration, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running, Solo Parenting Staci Maher Ball

For that reason, I believe that Gordie hand-picked Kevin and asked God to put Kevin in our path. Kevin has the qualities that Gordie would have wanted in a substitute Dad for his boys: kind, generous, a little wild, funny, a passion for sports, a guy who can fix things, and a bit of a rebellious side. When I am running, I often think about Gordie and Kevin. In another lifetime, I think they would have been good friends. Sometimes on those runs it makes me sad that they never actually met. But I know that they will meet one day…hopefully not for a good 50 years. I can tell you what will happen at that first meeting.

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My Amazing Son

May 25th, 2018 Death, Grief, Kids Grief Staci Maher Ball

I know he hates not having a Dad. I know that he wonders why God took his Dad away. I know he wonders why this happened to him. I know that he would give up everything, including his pitching arm, to have his Dad back. But he does not cry, at least not in front of me. He does not get angry about it. He does not act out because of it. He does not get in a significant amount of trouble. He does not lie in his room and sulk. He’s f’ing amazing.

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Good-bye Sweet Boy

Mar 31st, 2018 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

I feel like I have been catapulted back into grief. Although, I never really left it. Losing Ralphie is like losing another piece of Gordie. It’s like losing the last piece of my life before kids. It was just Gordie, Ralphie, and me in Colorado for five years before we had kids. Now both of them are gone.

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Reconciliation and kindness

Dec 20th, 2017 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

Nathan and I went to his ceremony. I scouted the church for other single parent families but all I could see were children with two parents. Later that night, as I sat on my bed looking out the window at the moon, I thought about Nathan’s comment. He was so right. There are just some people out there that are really nice. And they had just made a special night for my grieving son, special.

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Thankful Boycott

Nov 30th, 2017 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

I had been dreading Thanksgiving and had been thinking about it on some of my runs in the last few weeks. I still felt like I had been screwed by God and the Universe. I felt that my sons were robbed of a Father who loved them more than any Father I’ve known. On some days I felt that my life was one big struggle. I did not feel like being thankful this year.

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Waiting For It

Sep 18th, 2017 Grief, Kids Grief, Loss, Solo Parenting Staci Maher Ball

Grief has never really left our home but it has a much quieter presence than it did a few years ago. It is no longer nearly destroying our lives on a daily basis. But I know it will most likely rise up again and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I live everyday knowing my sons’ grief will come back. And I will continue to scour them for signs that it’s here. Like many other widows and widowers with kids, I’m just waiting for it. Waiting for the grief to return. #widowwithkids #childrensgrief #kidsgrief #keeprunning #runningthroughgrief

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Blind Rage

Aug 16th, 2017 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running, Solo Parenting, Uncategorized Staci Maher Ball

The first graders then took the stage. I proudly watched Nathan as they all took their places. He looked so cute. They started their song. At first I was not really paying attention to the words. I was just so intent on watching my sweet little boy. But then the words penetrated and I nearly vomited. The song the first graders were singing was about Dads. It was about how great their Dads are, all the things their Dads do with them, and how much they love their Dads. In addition to almost vomiting, I felt a fire explode in my gut. #blindrage #seeingred #fbombs #ChrisRock #protectiveparent

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The Most Screwed

Aug 10th, 2017 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

Who gets screwed the most when a young father dies? His wife? His kids? His own parents? His own siblings? His own friends? His beloved Jack Russell Terrier? I have logged so many running miles contemplating this question. I don’t know why but it was a question I could not stop noodling. Five years after my husband died leaving me with two little boys ages six and two, I think I have the answer. #runningthroughgrief #deathsucks #kidsgrief

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