Shut.the.fuck.up

Nov 29th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Some people say the dumbest things when someone has experienced a loss. “You now have to get use to your new normal.” “God has a different plan for you.” “He’s in a better place.” The comments like these were endless. It seemed everywhere I went, people had these same little gems of wisdom. I would just stare at people as they said this stupid shit and think shut up. But I would just sit there in silence and clench my fists. When I was finally able to escape, I would seek refuge in my runs. My feet seemed to run in continuous four beat counts to the words: shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. #shutup #grief #newnormal #betterplacemyass #runitout

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Faith and the Afterlife

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

After Gordie’s death, my faith crumbled. Although every night, without exception, the boys and I prayed for Gordie in Heaven, my beliefs were gone. But I kept coming back to something that happened the night after he died. Something that made me wonder about the after life and also kind of freaked me out. #visitfromthedead #nightlight #sayinggoodbye

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The invasion of a new emotion: anger

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

However, after the funeral, another feeling started to take hold of my mind and body: anger. I could feel it at various times starting like a boiling pot of water in my belly. It would spread up my body through my back, shoulders, and neck and down my arms. Then it would spread down my legs making me restless, causing me to tap my foot. It was like my entire body was tightening but not the type of tightening caused by stress or anxiety. Rather, this was the type of feeling that makes you clench your fists and your jaw. I was just pissed. #anger #widowsanger #needtorunitout #loosecannon #reckless

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The ironic similarities between a funeral and a wedding

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Ironically the day before a funeral is not unlike the day before a wedding. The only difference is that you are overwhelmed with a sense of dread vs a sense of excitement. Funeral prep the day before is spent doing the same shit that you do before a wedding: making sure everyone’s outfits are ready, making sure the guest book has been purchased and has a pen to go with it, making sure the music is ready, making sure transportation for the family is set up, making sure the your make up is ready so that you don’t look like crap. #isthisaweddingorafuneral #weddingsandfunerals #funeralpreparation

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The Funeral

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

I really remember very little about the actual funeral. I know the Priest did a great job but I could not tell you anything about it. I just sat there and looked at the coffin and wondered when I was going to wake up from this nightmare. When it was over Nathan and I followed the casket outside. I could feel most people at the funeral watching us. I took a final look at the casket in the back and then nodded at the Funeral Director. He closed the back and then walked to the driver’s side and climbed in. He started the car. I started to feel panicked. Gordie was leaving. Forever. I watched the hearse drive away as huge tears fell from my face, splashing on to the pavement. I looked down. My tears were so big, they left wet marks on the pavement, like raindrops. #funeral #sayinggoodbyeforthelasttime #widow #wakemeupfromthisnightmare #coffin

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My 6 year old son’s realization

Nov 25th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

Nathan suddenly asked “Am I going to get a new Daddy now?” If my heart was not already completely broken from my own loss, the rest of what was remaining broke at that moment. My six-year old son was already beginning to understand what life would be like without his beloved father who had been not only his primary caregiver but also his idol. #losingyourdad #imissmydad #growingupwithoutadad #kidsgrief #widowwithkids

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Losing my husband and home in less than 24 hours

Nov 19th, 2016 Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The morning after my husband died, I realized that I also no longer had a home that was really mine. It was time to move out. We did not own the Estate but it had become our home the past fourteen months. Wyatt had taken his first steps in this house. Nathan and Gordie had played flag football on the back lawn for countless hours. Gordie had taught Wyatt to hit a golf ball off the back porch. We had spent our last Christmas as a family here. Gordie had hid hundreds of eggs around the grounds for our last Easter egg hunt. We had taken so many family walks around the grounds with Wyatt in his push car, Nathan driving his motorized Jimmy Johnson car, and Ralphie running gloriously off leash, all around the enclosed property. The Estate was our home and now it wasn’t. My In-Laws would never have forced us out but we could not live there anymore. Our home had been ripped from us, just like Gordie had been. #losingalmosteverything #grievingandhomeless #intheblinkofaneye #widows

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The Nightmare Continues

Nov 18th, 2016 Grief, Kids Grief, Loss Staci Maher Ball

I just lay there awake all night staring at the ceiling thinking. What the hell had just happened? How could my husband be dead? How could my sons lose their Daddy at such a young age? How did Gordie get into the pool and how was he not able to get out? How was I going to raise these boys on my own? What was I going to tell Nathan in the morning? Where are we going to live? I can’t go back to that place. What if we had stayed in Colorado? This would not have happened. How will I ever go back to work? Who will take care of the boys when I have to go back to work? And the worse thought that made me physically nauseous all through the night…did Gordie suffer? #suddendeath #widowsnightmare

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The Nightmare – Losing my Spouse

Nov 13th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The drive home from work was beautiful. It was a sunny Friday afternoon in March and I was full of excitement for a great weekend with the boys and Gordie. Tomorrow was the first day of practice for Nathan’s little league team on which Gordie was to be one of the Assistant Coaches. It would be his first time coaching baseball for one of our sons. The weather was suppose to be nice all weekend. I thought maybe we’ll take a walk this weekend, maybe Nathan can even ride his bike while we push Wyatt in his toy car. Maybe we’ll get pizza tonight after Gordie finishes working on his remodeling project at my parents’ house. Maybe we’ll watch one of the episodes of “The Firm” that we had recorded after the boys go to bed. I did not realize that my life was just minutes from changing forever. #running, #grief, #suddendeath, #intheblinkofaneye

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