Back to Work

Dec 15th, 2016 Death, Grief, Inspiration, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

In the week following Gordie’s funeral the thought of returning to work caused me significant stress for many reasons. First, I was terrified I would not be able to control my emotions and that I would embarrass myself at work. Second, I was worried that I would not be able to function and perform my job at the level I was accustomed to. Third, I was a ticking time bomb with the anger that raged inside my body. What if I totally lost it? Fourth, would people quietly talk about what had happened to me as I left meetings or as I passed by them in the halls? Finally, I was scared shitless about how I would manage being a solo parent while working full time in a demanding job, at a demanding company. That last fear was, at times, absolutely paralyzing. #Cloroxcompany #backtowork #workingwidows #thewidowsbalance

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Back to School

Dec 11th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

One week after Gordie died, Nathan told me he wanted to go back to school. I helped him get dressed, fed him breakfast and drove him to school. We walked toward his friends who called out his name, ran over and gathered around him. I looked at Nathan’s face. He looked happy. It was the first time I had seen a happy look on his face since this nightmare started. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. #backtoschool #mystronglittleboy #grievingchildren #friendsmakeitbetter #firstgradecondolences

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Groundhog Day

Dec 7th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

When you experience a significant loss or something traumatic, the only time you truly get away from it is when you are sleeping. The problem with sleeping is that you wake up. And when you wake up each morning you have this blissful, sleepy, not yet awake, 10-second period where you think you are living your old life. You forget the bad thing that happened, you forget that your life was completely hijacked, you forget that you are living a nightmare. It was the best 10 seconds of my day for years. But then, the sleepiness goes away, you fully wake up and the reality of recent events and the life you are now living comes crashing down like a rock slide. And it happens every…fucking…day.

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Marriage Ended in Death

Dec 6th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The Woman from Social Security typed furiously on her computer while asking me all sorts of questions. Finally, she pressed print and papers came spilling from her printer. She placed the papers in front of me. At the top of the first page, in fairly big font, the words “Marriage Ended in Death” screamed out at me. Marriage Ended in Death? My marriage ended? I’m not married? I was stunned. Not once in the 12 days since Gordie passed had anyone told me that I was not legally married anymore. Not once had the notion even crossed my mind. The Social Security Lady is the one who breaks the news to me that I am not actually married anymore? Are you fucking kidding me? #SocialSecurity #Widowbenefits #Marriageendedindeath #widowsgrief #imstillmarried

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Welcome to Hotel California…but worse

Dec 2nd, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

I did not want to be here. I did not want to have this commonality with these women. But what I would soon learn is that I was part of the Widows club regardless of what I wanted. It’s like the song Hotel California, but worse. In the Eagles’ song, you can check out but you can never leave. However at least, seemingly, you checked in willingly. In the Widows Club, you did not check in voluntarily and you can never leave. It’s fucking fantastic. #widowsclub #hotelcalifornia #widowsandkiddos #widows #widowsgroups

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Shut.the.fuck.up

Nov 29th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Some people say the dumbest things when someone has experienced a loss. “You now have to get use to your new normal.” “God has a different plan for you.” “He’s in a better place.” The comments like these were endless. It seemed everywhere I went, people had these same little gems of wisdom. I would just stare at people as they said this stupid shit and think shut up. But I would just sit there in silence and clench my fists. When I was finally able to escape, I would seek refuge in my runs. My feet seemed to run in continuous four beat counts to the words: shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. #shutup #grief #newnormal #betterplacemyass #runitout

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Faith and the Afterlife

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

After Gordie’s death, my faith crumbled. Although every night, without exception, the boys and I prayed for Gordie in Heaven, my beliefs were gone. But I kept coming back to something that happened the night after he died. Something that made me wonder about the after life and also kind of freaked me out. #visitfromthedead #nightlight #sayinggoodbye

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The invasion of a new emotion: anger

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

However, after the funeral, another feeling started to take hold of my mind and body: anger. I could feel it at various times starting like a boiling pot of water in my belly. It would spread up my body through my back, shoulders, and neck and down my arms. Then it would spread down my legs making me restless, causing me to tap my foot. It was like my entire body was tightening but not the type of tightening caused by stress or anxiety. Rather, this was the type of feeling that makes you clench your fists and your jaw. I was just pissed. #anger #widowsanger #needtorunitout #loosecannon #reckless

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The Run Start Line

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The morning after the Funeral and Reception I got up early, threw my running clothes on and laced up my shoes. I ran 3.6 miles that morning and I cried the entire way. I had officially started my run through grief, a run that would last me the rest of my life. #runningthroughgrief #runningshoes #saucony #ipod

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The ironic similarities between a funeral and a wedding

Nov 27th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

Ironically the day before a funeral is not unlike the day before a wedding. The only difference is that you are overwhelmed with a sense of dread vs a sense of excitement. Funeral prep the day before is spent doing the same shit that you do before a wedding: making sure everyone’s outfits are ready, making sure the guest book has been purchased and has a pen to go with it, making sure the music is ready, making sure transportation for the family is set up, making sure the your make up is ready so that you don’t look like crap. #isthisaweddingorafuneral #weddingsandfunerals #funeralpreparation

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